Right now, I am sneaking some vegan chocolate and sipping a passionfruit kombucha while my kids actually play in their play room. Took a moment from my day to text a girlfiend, and feeling ok now.
Husband is away surfing with his besty and while I think in many ways it's almost easier without a second adult, I miss him and we tend not to eat much. 
The stress in our house had been rising over the past few weeks, for reasons that I cannot pinpoint other than the weather cooling in Melbourne. It always is hard to balance work stress and home stress, because all five of us go to work together.
Anyway last night I read a lovely little bloggy about happiness http://bohoboys.com/letter-mamas-concerned-happiness/ and I have been reading a lovely little book called "Happy Mama" by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz, it all has had me breathing a little more. The goal is not in actual fact those picture perfect instagram moments. The goal for me, and for us as mothers united in Mummahood, is presence.
Taking a deep breath before losing your shit because you have to repeat yourself 65 billion times. Stopping yourself mid-blog to attend to whatever it is that your child desperately needs to show you. Cutting off a million conversations to answer to "mum, mum, muuuuum, mummmmm, mumumumumummaaaaaaaa". Ensuring that you are the constant, the consistent, the BORING parent so that your children can turn to you when they need a cuddle or they feel angry or sad or overwhelmed.
It has shamed me that I am not always these things. It really upsets me when I lose my cool, when I notice myself enforcing seventy five rules within an hour, when I get frustrated because I just want to engage in adult conversation. 
All of that is alright too. I do not expect my children to be perfect all the time, so why do I expect myself to be the perfect mother all the time?
I was always quite proud that I never really suffered from "mummy guilt" as I parented exactly the way I wanted to, have stayed with my kids the majority of the time, and the things I have needed to do (such as education and training) I have managed to do with my children in tow. A girlfriend pointed out that I'm so used to just packing my kids up and going where I need to that it seems like nothing is too hard for me. And I guess I am wondering what the cost of this is. Because I do not feel HAPPY or content the majority of the time. I truly have not felt the need to change something until recently, and my husband has been great in gifting me a morning alone at home when we can spare it. 
Anyway, what I am getting at is that it's not about the choices we make as mothers. It doesn't matter about the birth we had, the way we feed our children, or if we work or stay at home (or do both). The important thing is that we have felt empowered to make those choices and that they align within our hearts to create a life that we are proud to live.
Right now I know that I have felt so passionately about raising my wildlings as an attachment mumma, that I truly desired being a mumma more than anything else in the world, That I have made decisions with love, research and integrity. So I promise myself to breathe more in the face of chaos, noise and being ignored. I promise to love myself anyway, even if I yell or get frustrated but also to notice when I am doing it and perhaps try to diffuse the situation before it reaches crisis point. I promise to be the consistent parent when I can, and to set boundaries that protect both my sanity and my children's needs.

“If a child is failing, it’s not their fault. It’s our job to set realistic, respectful, and meaningful boundaries. We must take into consideration our children’s developmental stage when establishing our boundaries. [Saying] ‘No, I won’t let you do x,y,z…’ suffices for a 15-month-old, but it’s not realistic to expect an elementary school aged child to take no as an answer—we want [those children] to talk back and ask why. We want them to play with the rules and experiment, push boundaries, and see how far they can go. It’s healthy and totally age appropriate! They’ll need those skills in the real world. Critical thinking, navigating social interactions healthily, making their voice heard. It’s annoying as parents to have to give reasons for every step we take, but let’s remember [our children are] practicing for the real world. Let’s empower them, not crush their being because of our own ego. If they’re failing, it’s because we are not giving them clear directions. It’s on us to offer a safe environment to let them thrive. Their job is to explore. Our job is to make sure they’re free to be themselves. This is respect for the child. It’s time to let go of ‘because I said so.’ It will save a lot of frustration and missed goals for sure.” ~ Lea Azevedo

Big love for all mummas xx

Date night. Husband, wife, husband's best mate and three kids, what could go wrong?
remember I was so in shock when I found out many parents don't take their kids out to restaurants or cafes. 
Secretly feeling a little smug that besides being cheeky, my kids usually listen to us, I have literally taken them everywhere with me. The last few months have been testing times, however, and tonight I realized WHY parents leave their kids at home.
Was there conversation? No. Was the meal shared lovingly? Yes. Were we in good company? Definitely. Did something get broken? A few things...a glass and well, just my spirit.
Having children is like playing cards (not that I know how to do that either), you just never know the hand you've been dealt. Each day is so different. Today Reef was such a clingy, frustrated little man and Raine was terrifically dramatic at every opportunity. She literally threw a tantrum because I didn't want her to continue playing with the broken ear of her headband while she NEEDED to keep it in her pocket. She also kept picking up her friend Oscar and topped off the arvo by randomly head butting me in the mouth. Reef screamed at me for ten minutes, inconsolable because he wanted to sit on the bench and I didn't know what "bien" meant. He's now fast asleep, nappy free and I think I'd find it much harder if he wasn't so damn gorgeous.
Today River's attitude is stinkier than ever - it seems to get worse and worse then a day of good before the downward spiral starts again. He hates everything, everything is boring, he cannot think of things to be grateful for and even "there's plenty of better things than the skyyyyyy, mum" when I pointed out how beautiful the pastel sunset was tonight.
I'm finding it hard to squeeze in any reconnection after school with him and I honestly don't know how other parents manage to balance it all? It seems like my kids save all the shitty behaviour for me, and I literally have them 24/7 except for a few hours of work two nights and one morning each week. I feel like my kids always come home worse and I can't even imagine working full time then having to squeeze in parenting before bedtime. Why is motherhood so.damn.hard?!
So much hard. I look like the crazy person for crying into my ginger ninja at vegie bar after my toddler has smashed a glass on the floor and thrown a dirty mi goreng stained napkin at another family. Riv sat there giving the finger to everyone and Raine was running around like a wildling.
I was supposed to study today and now it's 8.30pm and I have to prepare for a new day of work and school. GAH! I haven't even seen my husband today except for the drive to the city (me passing books to the kids and him opening and closing Reefs window on command - super fun stuff) and the drive home which was filled with serious conversations about why we can't go out to dinner if that behaviour continues and negotiations on how many books we will read the kids before bed. 
The light side of this whole situation is that I was experiencing writers block...and now the word flow through me.
Have a good night Mummas (or a good long sip of something alcoholic)

Wait...I am a mother and own a business hahahaha there is NO SUCH THING AS EASY.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of popping in to my friends new shop which is EXACTLY how I would like my future home to look (@loveiluka) and among other things we discussed the trials of parenthood and relationships. When River was little I had few friends with children the same age and every other mother I knew said "Just wait" and "You this THIS is hard"...so I turned to blogging whilst I was up all night. I was talking to another mother at playgroup who had a perfect child the first time, sleeping through the night and who's second child behaves like all three of mine and detests sleeping. It's all exactly as it should be.
I am now at the cusp, I am a school mum and the mother of a toddler, as well as parenting my middle child. My eldest two may as well be teenagers they are so damn moody.
Where do I fit anymore...I'm still up breastfeeding allllllllllllll night long yet my children can mostly entertain themselves and allow a few moments of peace in the chaos, which is then mainly filled with cleaning up the crap they just pulled out or doing work.
It's overwhelming often and it has become harder to have a social life. Our business is past the critical first three years and yet there are new challenges to face each week, month and even day. My days are often still filled with damage control, of the kids or the gym. I'm studying too (though not at university, so I don't think of it as overly difficult).
So Sunday morning rolls around and I find myself wanting to stay close to my family, for play and laughter and peace, lots of yoga (which Eric is doing on the deck now as I type), I couldn't face driving anywhere and need to plan our week ahead, though the second I try I know I will be interrupted. 
Basically if you are a mother, you need to find yourself a tribe. Probably a tribe of other women with similar values to you and that have children. Because even if you can never, ever catch up, trust me they understand the trials and simple pleasures of parenthood. 
To all of the women that are about to embark on the selfless and all consuming journey of mumma hood, feel free to email me, to connect with me. Take the time to hire a fantastic photographer and capture all the beautiful moments of your life as a couple, during pregnancy, through birth and early postpartum days. My recommendation is @sigridpetersenphotography if you are in Melbs. And if you would like to be a part of The Mumma Movement reach on out <3
Stay tuned today for my blog on the Birth of Baby Z xxx

Alright, the year has gotten away from me as time often does when you are raising little people.
Snapshot of my life right now - my children are still 5, 3 and not yet 2years old. Eric and myself have been married for 1year and 1month and have gone on approximately three dates in that time.
River started prep or founders last month which has meant I've spent far less time with him but I think he will mellow out with some routine. His dad has taken him away for the weekend for the first time...I'm pretty devastated. It must be nice to be a part time dad, there's like no responsibility and your children just adore you. Here's to all the separated Mummas....it's more often than not a thankless job. And giant kudos to the fathers raising children like their own, or even just raising their own children, these little people will be better because of you.
Raine is wild, I've felt really disconnected from her in our day to day living...she needs one on one time with me and with Eric and we can't always indulge her needs. I've certainly found age 3-5years the most challenging, and I knew I would because as an adult I still find my own emotions hard to regulate! Raine is also such a sweet and intelligent little girl so we are trying hard to focus on this. I'm glad she too is a little mermaid and would spend all her time by the seaside, she loves cleaning and helping with tasks. It would be nice if her night terrors and screaming would stop so we could potentially get a few hours sleep a night...
Reef is a beautiful little boy. At 22months old he seems far younger than his brother and sister did. He's talking in single syllables and mostly being very sweet, but he can certainly hold his own and is very determined just like we all are...so there is often conflict, especially between Raine and Reef. He is irrational often, like each of us are and STILL wakes every few hours during the night screaming the house down if I refuse to feed him.
I am certainly struggling the most with lack of sleep. On a good night I will get four hours of uninterrupted sleep. On a bad night, we're up every hour. Usually it's every two or three hours between 10pm-4.30am.
Three mornings each week we get up at 4.30am to coach the 6am WOD and work till 7.15/45pm. Over the next four weeks we will be working until 8.15/30pm and I'm a little nervous.
The CrossFit Croydon community is growing still and we have such a wonderful group of humans working out together, I feel very blessed to coach everyone and help them achieve their goals. I am LOVING teaching yoga at the box, guiding my yogis through each class has a positive impact that makes my heart warm.
My training has taken a spot in the priorities list ;) and I've found myself achieving more than I believed possible this year, from my 1rms increasing, to being able to sustain a heavy load through a workout, to not crying through thrusters and wall balls, most importantly I nailed my first muscle ups which has been on my goals list for about five years! I still have so much work to do...I'm building my posterior chain, rebuilding my abdominal muscle structure, balancing flexibility with strength, then obviously working on heavier lifts, better technique, functionality in gymnastics movements, committing to running and rowing...the list goes on.
We have just started saving towards buying a home. My dream was to own a home before I'm 30 but I'm surprisingly alright with that taking a little longer. It will happen because we have put in so much ground work. No matter how hard things seem now, I've realized how far we have come and I am so glad that I get to follow my passion each and every day, and actually get paid to do it.
Saturday - up at 6am, Reef JUST settling after screaming for a good half hour, up again at 6.30am and back in Raine's bed due to her screaming. Everyone up at 6.50am and in the car at 7.11am. Drop little kids to my grandparents and start coaching at 8am. Nick picks Riv up (yes there were tears). Start running everyone through the Open WOD 17.3 at 9am, finish at 12. Staff meeting. Pick up kids, groceries. 2.30pm home finally!! Both kids fast asleep...cleaning and preparing the house. Looking forward to a day off tomorrow, we'll be going hiking in the morning and doing lots of connecting with the kids. 
Eric is going to sneak in a garage WOD today after totally crushing 17.3 and I might do some booty building and lots of yoga. Tomorrow I'll be skipping for my fasted cardio pre-breakfast and considering we have Dumbbells in the boot I guess Eric plans on doing another garage WOD ;)
This is the start of me being more committed to writing on my computer...not just my home journals. I know I say this all the time but life is tricky baby, and I'm balancing being an entrepreneur with spending less time behind a screen!
Big love x

Here are some ways to create a simple full moon ritual as a family:

We lay a picnic blanket out with our Ganesh and each chose a crystal to be charged by the moon

"Ganesh is one of the best known and loved deities in the Hindu pantheon of gods, and indeed is the most recognized of the Hindu gods outside of India.  
Ganesh (also spelled Ganesa or Ganesha and known as Ganapati, Vinayaka and Pillaiyar) is the Lord of Good Fortune who provides prosperity, fortune and success.  He is the Lord of Beginnings and the Remover of Obstacles of both material and spiritual kinds.  Interestingly, he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked."
We had gold "fairy dust" to place on each other's forehead saying “You are anointed/blessed with….,” and for each person we say something different, such as: joy, love, health, happiness…
We had a jar filled with water. We passed it around shaking it up and down, infusing it with what we want to bring into our lives next. The jar is then placed right in the moonlight and ready the next morning, for drinking our wishes and manifestations, blessed by the moon.

We sang many, many, many OMs and give lots of silly and sincere thanks. We blew out the candle.
Then we called it a night. Eric put the kids to sleep while I took Marli for a skate and swim at the beach.

Next time we will add in:
Some string to wind around our wrists, connecting us together. Then each of us can speak of something we want to let go of or our fears, whatever. As we speak, we cut them free and throw the string in the fire (you can always just throw it in the bin if you don’t have a fire)

Right now Eric is putting Reef to sleep. usually we just pop him in the Tula and transfer him to bed...right now hes been screaming for a good five minutes. He's been feeding as often and as vigorously as a newborn...he's 18months old ffs!! It is really hard to explain the burn out that comes with breastfeeding....and I havent had a single day not feeding someone for 5.5years. I tandem fed River and Raine, then Raine and Reef, I am really looking forward to having my body to myself again one day.
I wanted to quickly update my blog, to check in with anyone who might be interested, to provide food for thought.
My life right now in December 2016 looks a little like this:
Eric and I have been married now for 11months. River is five, Raine is three, Reef is about 1.5years old.
We own and operate CrossFit Croydon, it is coming up to our third birthday. I am studying to become a doula and have recently supported my girlfriend in her VBAC (which was one of the BEST experiences of my life!). I am personal training about six clients each week and I am loving their progress. We live in Frankston/Seaford and work in Croydon so our days look like this:
Monday/Wednesday
4.30am yoga and ready for the day, lemon water
5.15am leave
6am coach
7am train
8am coffee is life
9am coach
10am Summer Mumma program
eat/admin/child wrangle
12pm coach
1pm home to the beach or stay local at the pool if its hot
4pm train/admin
5pm or 6pm PTs
5.30pm coach
6.30pm teach yoga (Eric does yoga or has PTs)
On Monday E's dad takes kids to park for a picnic dinner and on wednesdays my grandparents look after the little two for dinner
Fridays now involve me working solo 6am-11.30pm (this week I am back-to-back)
then E would normally work solo at night. This week I have a PT and will do my training in the pm.
On Tuesdays & Thursdays currently Eric trains/coaches/programs and I stay home with the kids. My work consists of writing Christmas cards, programming, blogging, business marketing, enquiries and follow ups. These are also the only days I have to clean the house. We do food preparation and LOTS of washing! In the lead up to Christmas I also have some extra PT sessions on these days.
Our lifestyle looks pretty cruisey, and sometimes its the absolute BEST day off or at work, but full time parenting combined with a full time (+) career has its challenges. We have finally reached our goal of a consistent 100+ athletes at our gym, however we are always looking for ways to keep growing and definitely maintain our current athletes (everyone at our box becomes like family). I find that because we have <6hrs of sleep each night we must use food as therapy and make sure our stress levels (internally and externally) stay balanced.
This is the first year in the last six where I have the financial ability to buy our kids gifts and some for our family and friends, it is a really awesome feeling ;D

It was a full moon yesterday and I am so so deeply in tune with Gaia and the lunar cycle. I was emotional but I have also been feeling so energised, motivated, inspired and on the right path.
I am looking forward to the rest of this week and welcoming a new year!

ares

Pretty much my whole life I wanted to be a mumma. I always desired a career but I REALLY wanted to be a mum. This passion led me to stay in probably a few too many not-right-for-me relationships because I wanted to build my own family. Fast forward to 2011, I was 23 and about to have my first baby. I was different from almost every mother I knew. I researched everything about cloth nappies, breastfeeding, natural birth, attachment parenting, baby wearing, extended rear facing car seats and baby led weaning...my family thought I was nutty but I knew exactly the type of mother that I wanted to be.
The dark periods passed and I have raised three healthy and intelligent (albeit extremely loud) children. I am "lucky" that I dont have to put my children into day care, that I have raised them exactly how I intended and that we do not watch television still, though I have gotten to the stage where I feel extremely burnt out.
Since Wednesday the ugly dread has crept back into my life, the dread that gives me an irrational fear that every single thing will go wrong. That I am not good enough, that I do not deserve success and savings and a home. That I have made poor decisions leading me to a dead end and that there is no way out of my situation.
Rational Self knows that this will pass, that the foggy sleepless teething nights will end, that a cup of coffee or a quick skate with the kids or another adult acknowledging me will make me smile. I do know that there are far more great things in my life than there are mediocre or devastating or bad.
These are my thoughts on pulling myself out of the hole of despair:
Fresh Air - The last thing I felt like doing this morning was getting out of bed, or seeing anyone, or getting dressed. But we effectively knocked over several cans with one stone, we walked the dog, the children seem less loud outdoors,, they burnt energy, we got coffee and a little exercise, we saw some of our favourite humans and the mood started to lift.
ribe - I didnt feel stable enough to spend the day alone, I really didnt want to see anyone (when I am down in the dumps I feel really ugly and overweight and want to hide), but thankfully my best mate had some spare time to hang out and not talk about anything, He helped me manage the lunch phase and entertained my kids in the bath so I could clean up. At the same time I reached out to my girlfriends and just the support of a safe space to admit I am not superwoman was enough to lift my energy. E was also pretty epic today, he is pretty damn burnt out too and still managed to pick me up (literally)
Nutrition - sometimes this feeling makes me unable to eat, sometimes I want to eat everything I can think of! Balancing my blood sugar and avoiding the hangries was pretty important today. In our house we all get pretty shitty when we dont eat every few hours. Breakfast was vegan cheesymite scrolls (homemade), coffee and a smoothie, lunch was ginger and pumpkin soup with chia seeds and a slice of spelt bread, E treated me to Vegie Bar dinner, of salad and mi goreng and a cheeky few beverages. I would not recommend having coffee or alcohol but today I felt like it and I'm going to bed happier than I woke.
Exercise - we all know that exercise makes you feel good, and while it might be difficult getting the motivation to begin, it is always worth it. So I did a little home workout and am excited for some HIIT at 7am tomorrow. It is important to do something that you LOVE whether it is running, or dancing, lifting weights or yoga...just move to make yourself feel good.
Plan - giving myself something to look forward to and a way to best approach my days is really helpful. If I am organised about which classes I am running, when I am training, when the kids have activities and which items on the to do list can be achieved, I feel like I can keep moving. 
Be kind - I havent been speaking very nicely to myself, and I have been yelling at my family. This makes me feel like shit. So when we skated today we also picked up rubbish. And when we went out I tried to give everyone I saw a silent compliment. Before bed I will do a little meditation just for myself and I have set an affirmation and mantra for Monday:

"I am love and calm. I am worthy and abundant. I am safe space for those I love. I choose openness and light"

I hope this helps you too xx

Here we are, it is June. Almost the end of the financial year...almost Raine's birthday, almost our Winter Wellness Challenge, almost our first open CrossFit competition, almost Bali time.
Unfortunately we also have four weeks to find a new home.
So here I am, under the pump. To write, mother, train, run this business of ours, look flawless, be flawless, be calm and support every single member that we have as well as all of my friends...I may be putting just a little pressure on myself. Haha.
I seem to stop writing often. When things are going really well or when things are going really shit, or in this case when I just have all the feels. Let me set the scene.
Today I woke up at about 6.30am, I use the term "woke up" rather loosely as a co-sleeping mumma, I'm often breastfeeding all through the hours we "sleep". Eric had probably only just left to run down to the gym as he had a class to run at 7am and we only have one car. Reefy was rather clingy this morning so I had too pee with him sitting on my lap and hold him whilstI got dressed...challenging, but I was up for it. I then carried the sleepy big two to the car and made a quick stop for coffee before meeting my man and my CrossFit tribe at 8am.
Saw my mum and Nick (the ex husband & Riv's dad) took the big two for a skate/play/cups of peas. We were just leaving the gym at 10.30am when we noticed our back tire was completely flat. All the kids and I waited while E changed our tire (the car is only 6 months new and there was a screw in it) and then we again stopped for coffee and health food store sushi* before inspecting four houses in Frankston North & Seaford.
We drove further to Mornington's Store Fifteen and then had a huge park play before driving past home and all the way to Vegie Bar. A delicious meal bought us back home where we did a bit of a clean up and popped Inside Out on as family movie night. 
As Eric and myself were feeling emotionally and physically drained after a biiiiiig week, I showered with Reefy, having such stunning and soulful eye gazing whilst feeding him, and then E took him off to bed. I have watched the movie with the big two and tried unsuccessfully to put them to bed...it's 8.15pm, I am two glasses of red wine down and just feel cranky.
It is frustrating when your almost-threenager refuses to listen to any thing you say but simultaneously desperately needs you to carry her and be touching her in loving affection at.all.times. Unless she is screaming in which case, you just stand there trying to block your ears. In my opinion, "terrible twos" is completely made up. My kids have been pretty damn good up until almost three. Three & four year olds suck the majority of the time if you are a full time parent. My children seem to have inherited my feel-things-fiercely personality, oh yay for us all.
Our now five year old River is going through a much better phase, of being far more connected and able to behave however, he is so emotional and truly believes the world revolves around him. I try so hard to remember:
Big emotions need big hugs, not big consequences
And just like that River and Raine are asleep. They currently share a queen sized bed on the floor, and when we move I believe they will receive a bunk bed! 
Things you will find on this blog:

• attachment, peaceful parenting (yet honest) stories
• fitness, CrossFit and health related rambles, with occasional inspiration
• nutrition not limited to but mainly about vegan food, baby led weaning and a whole food diet
• breastfeeding stories, musings and rants...I have been breastfeeding non-stop for over five years, tandem feeding River & Raine, then Raine & Reef. Both weaned at 2years and 7months
• glimpses of my history with depression, post partum depression, anxiety and an ED though I believe I am currently well clear and have decided not to dwell on these feelings 
• yoga, AcroVinyasa and hopefully some nude yoga stories ;)
• how we live mostly plastic free & possibly environmental themes
• how we manage to work full time and raise our kids full time

My promise is to be 100% true to myself and to practice what I preach day in and out.
Currently everyone is crying because River needed to pee and decided to run through the house yelling at the top of his lungs. Fingers crossed I get to bed before 10pm.

*the ONLY sushi I will buy is from Eastfield

This time last year I participated in the CrossFit Open at 32 weeks pregnant. My best friend was in her first (?) trimester. We achieved some PB's and felt comfortable scaling the WODs or workouts to suit our needs. There is no doubt in my mind that each and every CrossFit workout can be tailored to suit anyone.

Here is what you need to know if you plan on competing during your pregnancy.

Contraindications (when to seek medical advice):

Relative

• Severe anaemia
• Unevaluated maternal cardiac dysrhythmia
• Chronic bronchitis
• Poorly controlled type 1 diabetes
• Extreme morbid obesity
• Extreme underweight or eating disorder
• History of extremely sedentary lifestyle
• Intrauterine growth restriction
• Poorly controlled hypertension
• Orthopaedic limitations
• Poorly controlled seizure disorder
• Poorly controlled hyperthyroidism
• Heavy smoker
• History of spontaneous abortion or premature labour
• Anaemia or iron deficiency (hb < 100g/L)
• Twin pregnancy after the 28th week

Absoloute

• Hemodynamically significant heart disease
• Restrictive lung disease
• Incompetent cervix
• Multiple gestation at risk for premature labour
• Persistent 2nd or 3rd trimester bleeding
• Placenta previa after 26weeks
• Premature labour
• Ruptured membranes
• Pre-eclampsia/pregnancy-induced hypertension

Considerations

• Gradually increase activity from sedentary level
• Avoid contact sports, sports/activities that cause balance loss or trauma
• Avoid exercising in the supine position after the 1st trimester to prevent venous obstruction
• Avoid valsalva movement (vigorous breathing) & isometric muscle actions

All of my athletes are advised to tune into their own body. Each woman is so different, and dare I say each pregnancy can be so different too!

Hydration is extremely important now (Aussie summer/autumn) and when bub comes, even more so for the breastfeeding athlete, yes ladies it CAN be done ;)

Please train with an experienced coach xx

sares@crossfitcroydon.com.au
423 618 308

Nothing like the last day of summer (and the month) to inspire me to write.
February was a blur, of goals and the wedding, byron bliss and straight back in to the hustle life. The wedding was the best day of my life, it was so perfect. It felt like the hard work had paid off...that we were able to celebrate our love in a supportive environment and (almost) everyone that came was so happy for us and so cherished by us. I feel like not only did I become part of E's family but that our friends became a lot more like family too.
So since coming back, we have agreed that we dislike being called "crazy". Just because literally no one else is game enough to do what we do, does not make us crazy. What we are is so focused on and passionate about what we do. My secret is that there is NOT a lot of money in the fitness industry IF you maintain your integrity. See, most people do not practice what they preach. It's easy to run bootcamps and tell people they are fat and they need to do bootcamp while you, yourself restrict your diet and never do any bootcamp classes. It's easy to sell products when you ignore the label and are promised incentives like shiny Audi cars. It's easy to not care about whether your members are training.
What is not easy is buying organic and environmentally friendly products for your gym and making sure there is a recycling bin, it is not promoting plastic bottled water even through it's cheap advertising. It is exhausting making sure to contact every athlete each week and to help people find motivation again when they skip classes. It is gut wrenching when people tell you they cant train anymore for whatever reason and you know that the person will leave with a ginormous chunk of your heart. It is not easy to be invested in your athletes goals and achievements so much more than your own.
However, it is so fucking WORTH IT. Because while most nights I go to bed worrying about all the stuff I have to do that I didn't do, I go to bed knowing we haven't sold out. We have maintained our integrity in each and every step of creating and owning this business. We are painfully honest and upfront with everything, including our goals and training achievements.
Most business coaches believe that you cannot be a successful CrossFit box owner and be a competitive athlete...well it may take a few years but I know E is going to break that stereotype. Most believe that you cannot work full time and parent full time without a nanny or day care...well we have completely smashed that stereotype out of the park!
We are not crazy, we are driven. As my gorgeous best bish says "you do it because you have to" and I am lucky enough that I can let my girlfriends know when I am struggling...they motivate me, inspire me to keep my head up.

Something I have not been completely honest about is the extreme lows occurring since having Reef. After I had River, writing became a way for me to move through post-partum depression. I was able to write about how much I loved being a mother, yes how hard it was, but I was also able to convey the joy it bought me...this helped me recover and survive.
Though since having Reef I have written less and less...feeling like my writing was not good enough to share or that it would be too depressing. These have been some extremely hard months, in which I have experienced pain so intense that I did not want to live through it, in which I have felt like a freak, and completely isolated, in which I have had severe panic attacks then walk straight in to a room of people and coach. Some of my athletes confide in me that they have mental illness, many people I know have experienced PPD, depression and anxiety. It is something I do not enjoy talking about, in part that I believe we create our own reality and saying that I am struggling may mean it's all my fault, and in part because I fear rejection. 
I have just finished reading Melissa Ambrossini's Master Your Mean Girl book (https://melissaambrosini.com) and feel inspired to choose love right now over that fear of rejection.
We ALL want to connect to others, to feel unity and support, part of a tribe. So I am speaking out in the hopes that I may connect to you, to let you know you are not alone if you too are struggling. I am also publicly thanking my beautiful girlfriends, friends and husband because I push people away when I get sad and despite this, you all kept loving me.
I have struggled with this illness since I was 10years old and as I approach 30, I feel proud to have survived, not ashamed anymore. If you need immediate help please contact https://www.beyondblue.org.au
Here are my top tips for surviving:

• Eat to nourish your body, not punish it. This includes intuitive eating. After a battle with eating issues I can tell you there is hope for a loving relationship with food.
• Move your body. I train hard because it makes me feel alive, sexy, strong, healthy and whole.
• Fake it until you make it - speak to yourself as if you love yourself, even if you have no idea what this would even look like. I tell myself that I am love, I am abundant, I am thankful and I am worthy. 
• Talk to someone. I have a husband who has given me his heart, and while sometimes I find it hard to accept that love, when we get talking, I feel so much healing power in our conversations.
• Listen to others. We all have struggles, and we all have inspiration. Instead of scrolling through instagram wishing you had this or that, ask someone about their day and their life goals or how they got involved in their current job. 
• Give compliments, accept compliments and don't trash talk anyone, not even the driver who just cut you off ;)

If you would like to share how you increase the positivity in your life, please comment. If you would like to connect further, my email is sares@crossfitcroydon.com.au

Have a great day x