Pretty much my whole life I wanted to be a mumma. I always desired a career but I REALLY wanted to be a mum. This passion led me to stay in probably a few too many not-right-for-me relationships because I wanted to build my own family. Fast forward to 2011, I was 23 and about to have my first baby. I was different from almost every mother I knew. I researched everything about cloth nappies, breastfeeding, natural birth, attachment parenting, baby wearing, extended rear facing car seats and baby led weaning...my family thought I was nutty but I knew exactly the type of mother that I wanted to be.
The dark periods passed and I have raised three healthy and intelligent (albeit extremely loud) children. I am "lucky" that I dont have to put my children into day care, that I have raised them exactly how I intended and that we do not watch television still, though I have gotten to the stage where I feel extremely burnt out.
Since Wednesday the ugly dread has crept back into my life, the dread that gives me an irrational fear that every single thing will go wrong. That I am not good enough, that I do not deserve success and savings and a home. That I have made poor decisions leading me to a dead end and that there is no way out of my situation.
Rational Self knows that this will pass, that the foggy sleepless teething nights will end, that a cup of coffee or a quick skate with the kids or another adult acknowledging me will make me smile. I do know that there are far more great things in my life than there are mediocre or devastating or bad.
These are my thoughts on pulling myself out of the hole of despair:
Fresh Air - The last thing I felt like doing this morning was getting out of bed, or seeing anyone, or getting dressed. But we effectively knocked over several cans with one stone, we walked the dog, the children seem less loud outdoors,, they burnt energy, we got coffee and a little exercise, we saw some of our favourite humans and the mood started to lift.
ribe - I didnt feel stable enough to spend the day alone, I really didnt want to see anyone (when I am down in the dumps I feel really ugly and overweight and want to hide), but thankfully my best mate had some spare time to hang out and not talk about anything, He helped me manage the lunch phase and entertained my kids in the bath so I could clean up. At the same time I reached out to my girlfriends and just the support of a safe space to admit I am not superwoman was enough to lift my energy. E was also pretty epic today, he is pretty damn burnt out too and still managed to pick me up (literally)
Nutrition - sometimes this feeling makes me unable to eat, sometimes I want to eat everything I can think of! Balancing my blood sugar and avoiding the hangries was pretty important today. In our house we all get pretty shitty when we dont eat every few hours. Breakfast was vegan cheesymite scrolls (homemade), coffee and a smoothie, lunch was ginger and pumpkin soup with chia seeds and a slice of spelt bread, E treated me to Vegie Bar dinner, of salad and mi goreng and a cheeky few beverages. I would not recommend having coffee or alcohol but today I felt like it and I'm going to bed happier than I woke.
Exercise - we all know that exercise makes you feel good, and while it might be difficult getting the motivation to begin, it is always worth it. So I did a little home workout and am excited for some HIIT at 7am tomorrow. It is important to do something that you LOVE whether it is running, or dancing, lifting weights or yoga...just move to make yourself feel good.
Plan - giving myself something to look forward to and a way to best approach my days is really helpful. If I am organised about which classes I am running, when I am training, when the kids have activities and which items on the to do list can be achieved, I feel like I can keep moving.
Be kind - I havent been speaking very nicely to myself, and I have been yelling at my family. This makes me feel like shit. So when we skated today we also picked up rubbish. And when we went out I tried to give everyone I saw a silent compliment. Before bed I will do a little meditation just for myself and I have set an affirmation and mantra for Monday:
"I am love and calm. I am worthy and abundant. I am safe space for those I love. I choose openness and light"
I hope this helps you too xx