Who am I

Whenever I used to start a journal, I would always pick a name for it/her and introduce myself. It is interesting to look back and see the various descriptions of myself. I would name my best friends, my boyfriend/s, my music taste.
It's painful to real them. I was always so unhappy, so hateful to myself. Unfortunately in the last few years that pathetic, depressed, negative person has been showing her fugly head. I cant stop it.
If I could be anyone that doesn't suffer from depression and anxiety, I would be her. Telling me how grateful I should be only makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful. In fact I always think of five things I am grateful for each morning. Usually coffee, a roof over my head, beautiful children, access to organic food and a career/job that I can bring my kids to. Often it's my husband.
Many people suffer from mental illness and I want every single one of them to know that they aren't alone. The problem is that two people suffering together tends not to make the situation better. The phone calls to lifeline sometimes seem so patronising. More often than not I feel like I cant say anything to anyone because either a.) people cant empathise or b.) don't want to.
Having children should have stopped her, having my dream job and a husband that I work with should have stopped her, moving to the beach and yoga and meditation should have stopped her.
So why cant I feel ok? Why are there days I cant get out of bed? Why do I still feel like I was never supposed to be here, and everyone would be happier if I was gone? Why didn't getting older make me love myself more? Why didn't anyone else's love ever feel like it was enough?
I wish I could go back and hold my own four year old hand and tell myself that I was the only person that would and could ever love me. I wish I could go back and tell my ten year old self that one day I would be fit and a badass at CrossFit, that I didn't need to control my food with hate. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self to pull my head out of my arse, do more yoga and start loving the person you are now. I wish all of these things because then maybe at thirty I wouldn't feel like such a giant fuck up.
And here I am. I dont know what to do.
The only thing I can think of is to tell my four year old daughter that her mum loves her, that she was wanted more than anything, that she should love herself everyday even if she is bossy and loud and different. Then I can tell her when she's ten that she doesn't need to be in control of her body and should love it with movement and exercise. And when she's a feisty teenager I can tell her that her home is where ever I am. That I understand that hormones can make you feel insane, that my job is to keep her safe because I love her, that she should do yoga instead of run amok.
And maybe I can encourage as many other mum's as I can to love themselves, maybe even if they cant love themsleves then to at least love their daughters like they wish they had been loved. Maybe then I could understand the reason for me to go through what I'm going through.
Most people have had hard times, most people experience overwhelming sadness or stress at some point in their life, many people are fighting this invisible battle with themselves everyday. 
How do you overcome it?
Writing helps me, as does talking to a trusted friend, 
Definitely being aware of the situations that make things spiral and avoiding them while knowing the people and places that make things seem alright and going there can help.
As a mother, less judgement for yourself, more forgiveness, and reflecting on the experience of "low road" behaviour, thought patterns and words. I am reading an interesting book called "parenting from the Inside Out" which is both hard to read but helpful.
For me, perhaps I may need to consider medication. I am not sure what else I can do to keep functioning the way I want to. Obviously that is greatly displeasing but I will have to see how the next week goes.
Big love to all my readers xx

Tim McDonaldComment