Winter is here once more

Hello beautiful readers, if you have been following my journey over the eight years of me blogging you will be familiar with my dread of the cold months. For those new to my blog, I have suffered Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for as long as I can remember. This makes me prone to depression in Winter. Light Therapy has helped in the past, though the solarium was far better for treating me. I have also tried taking zinc and vitamin D, and I try to travel every winter to chase the sunshine.

At the start of this year we made a pretty radical decision to relocate our family to Byron Bay, and just in case our lives weren’t busy enough, operate yet another CrossFit box ;) may this beautiful place be the remedy for my soul!

So far, there was plenty of sunshine this morning and the beach had our name on it for most of the day. We woke early, went to the box, I had a solid lifting session before coaching, had some rad hangs with a beautiful new friend (I made us delicious brunch), walked to the beach to meet up with more friends, and now we are at home painting, playing with playdough and sipping Tulsi tea.

The kids have so far today eaten; oats with PB & protein, a slice of PB toast, an apple, vegan sausage rolls or left over pasta with 1/2 cup of my tofu scramble, hummus with celery and carrot, a kiwi fruit and orange and we are planning on eating dinner out as truthfully I’m a bit sick of cooking.

Today I have eaten tofu scramble with cherry tomatoes, spinach, kelp noodles, avocado, saurkraut, hemp seeds, linseeds and nooch then some hummus with celery. I have also had two coffees, a cup of tea and one medjool date with PB.

I’ll have to grab some fresh ingredients from the Farmers market tomorrow and know that we’ll be having delicious vegan ravioli for dinner. It’s always a challenge when Eric is away, but nice to get into our own routine (and its easier to cook for four than five!).

River has school camp this Thursday, he’s really excited and is mostly doing really well since moving here. There has been quite a bit of drama over his birthday gifts, and him not wanting to share anything with his siblings. This is super triggering for me and also upsetting as I want my children to grow up knowing the value of presence over presents and obviously kindness. I don’t want to force him to share, and I don’t want him to feel as though he is entitled to more.

Raine has lost four teeth within three weeks - sending the tooth fairy broke! She is loving yoga and training, is the most receptive of all the children to meditation, and is also going through some massive emotions. She is definitely like me in that she is a deep feeler whom takes on the emotions around her, so I have to watch my stress levels and expression of sadness around her. Just yesterday I was doing some hip health movements in the mirror and turned to check out my shape, all along Raine was copying me and it really made me pause. I would be heart broken if Raine ever spoke to herself the way my inner dialogue has been.

Mummas, even when we don’t verbalise the way we feel about our bodies, our children KNOW. I have mentioned previously that I have struggled with an eating disorder, and that my pregnancy with River was the key to my recovery. I have not spoken about the resurgence of the eating disorder last year and that my self esteem was at rock bottom again. Thankfully, my husband was the safe space needed to help me come back to myself. Even though my body is not always reflecting the way I want it to look and my self esteem hasn’t fully recovered, I have consistently felt my feelings and attempted to work through it. At times I’ve had too much to drink, at times I’ve stopped writing, at times I’ve lost myself in a book or scrolling on social media (watching fail videos or dance videos), but for the most part I’ve sat with it and tried to love myself anyway. The way to a “better body” is not found in a diet or exercise regime, the way to a “better body” is through loving yourself. Loving yourself despite eating ALL the french fries, forgiving yourself for drinking too much or making a poor decision (trust me, we all make mistakes!), loving the woman you are in this moment as well as loving the woman that you want to become.

Reefy has been delightful, and horrible and gorgeous again…those wonderful hormones causing outrage and ridiculous scenarios where it is impossible to win. We used to remind ourselves that “big emotions need big hugs, not big consequences” when Rivvy was going through the same thing but often even a cuddle cant reason with our Chief’s will.

When raising children, we need to step back. We need to demonstrate boundaries, how to deal with our emotions in a healthy way, that it’s perfectly ok to feel emotions, that we as parents are a safe space for them, that the way to feel better is always love. We can love each other and ourselves through anything.

Having children gave me a sense of responsibility I’d never felt before. I never cared much for living, I didn’t see the point as I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be, only that I was different. I thought different was wrong. Now that I have my children, I want them to know in every single cell that they are wanted, that they are worthy of love, that they can do anything if they work hard and are kind, that they deserve happiness and that I feel blessed that they literally changed me and my life. Becoming a mother has given me a sense of responsibility to our mother earth and also to myself.

Last week I felt as though I could not possibly write my book, I’ve felt this year really unclear on what my mission and vision are, on what my message is. I’ve not felt like I had anything to say worth hearing or reading. But then I realised that its not about me. It’s not about my worth. It’s about me having a unique set of experiences that have led me to be a guide for a woman’s wellbeing through the desire to fall pregnant, a beautiful birth experience and an intentional way of parenting. The reason for me to speak up, to heal, to do the work is my children. When we heal ourselves, we help heal all women.