Tired Mumma, I see you
It happened again...I left it too late to fill up my cup, overwhelm and anxiety combined with deep depression have become my normal.
Then there's the mumma guilt. My children do not deserve a depleted mother. My children deserve lightness, peace and joy in each day. They deserve presence and ease.
In the trying to create this for us all, I often lose my sense of direction. Sometimes I do so much work on myself that I trap myself into believing I am not enough exactly as I am. And this is already a belief system I carry from childhood. My number one goal is to instill in my children the knowledge that they are enough exactly as they each are, as different and out there as that may be.
I find this challenging with River, as he is exploring some way out there behaviours and voices and can often be aggressive and weird. It challenges me in so many ways.
Bringing this back to the way I want to feel, I want to feel connected, and so I try to listen to his stories as best as I can (uninterrupted by technology). It is hard when by nature, he wants to create and destroy and play as wild as can be! I always knew I would find this age challenging, as I had limited interaction with boys at the same age, and most of the children I babysat were much younger or just in to different things.
We have to just try to connect on any level, today happened to be the alphabet. It is my absolute pleasure to teach my children about the english language, as writing and reading have always been my favourite activities.
I also ensured that I went for a walk and was recharged by the beautiful sunset with Reef. When we returned River and Raine were drumming and singing outside, they think they can start busking immediately!
So here are my top ways to fill my own cup:
- write, journal or read
- make a list (literally of anything)
- talk to a good friend or just spend time with them
- pop on a face mask and paint my nails
- clean the house
Sometimes I can literally do all of these in a day and it doesn't impact my mood or my demeanor...at least not like a cup of coffee and a deadline does! So it is my promise to myself to do all of these as often as I can.
Thankyou for reading my blogs, especially if you have been following my journey over the past six years. And if you have only just started following along then I hope next week I can provide you with enough information to discover who I am and my mission.
"I am not here for your understanding of who I am. I am here for your understanding of who you are. I am your mirror. How you feel about me, what you see in me, the thoughts that arise from your encounter of me, the judgement s you held about me are all reflections of you. They have nothing to do with me."
- Emily Maroutian